Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Cliffs of Rye

There was no one to catch me when I was at the edge of the cliffs of rye. Maybe they were there but they chose not to. At this point it doesn’t really matter does it? I fell. No. I jumped. I wanted to see what was at the bottom. But the more I see, the less I want to know. The bible says “it is to those who are childlike that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs." What I wouldn’t give to be a child again. But I always felt my childhood was a joke, I knew somewhere that it wasn’t real and it propelled me to seek out the world of reason. Yet here I am and it’s a shithole. We spend lifetimes waiting for moments that in the end were as fleeting as every minute that came in between

“You’ll be free child once you have died, from the shackles of language and measurable time” And I believe Conor Oberst when he sings that. Its how I understand this journey towards the end. Freedom. I used to not believe in fashion, I called it a lie. I believed it was too crude of an art form to capture any essence of humanity. But I realize now that all forms of art are too crude. We are shackled by language and these squiggles can’t accurately represent emotions either. My writing is as crude as the fashionistas’ designs, cruder perhaps. And our symbolic interactions will never be as deep or profound as we want them to be. So we settle, or we refuse to settle and then after we realize we have no choice, we settle.

I don’t love philosophy anymore. Maybe I caught up with Max Bemis. I could never understand his lines until I felt them. “God and Death are none of my concern, I’m no philosopher” he sings. And now I agree with him. I used to argue for atheism. And when my cousin said he had converted from that and had fallen into the never-ending hole of agnosticism I thought I would never be there. But here I am. No, apatheism right? That’s what I call it. Because I don’t care. Sometimes I do. The truth is I don’t want to know. The thought of never ending life scares the shit out of me. Just give me a few good years; that’s all I want. And my Jehovah’s Witness friend shows me Ecclesiastes 9:5 and it says “But the dead do not know anything” And he asks me “Where is the hope?” and I say right there. I don’t care if there’s a heaven for the people who want that but I am hoping there’s no hell. Maybe prose doesn’t do it. Maybe just mine doesn’t. I envy Voltaire but he is as pessimistic as me I think. Maybe I do love philosophy, just not it’s results. I don’t even know if I want answers.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Alcohol and Cotton Balls

A story for whoever wants to read it:

Julian Ford sat back on a low hill overlooking almost all of North Carolina. Because although it was a hill, it was seated atop a mountain. The hill was grassy and soft. He looked at the state and then looked down at a bottle of scotch he had brought to drink. Because he was there and there was no one else around to drink it with, he drank it alone. When he was done drinking it he looked around him and still saw no one. So he fell asleep.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Love, Love, Love

I have decided that I have been writing too negatively lately. Things I wouldn't even post on here because as for right now there is no need for negativity. Don't we all love at least something? Lets end the hate..

Here are some things I love:

Food: I love food!

Warmth: I love warmth!

Sleep: I love sleeping!

Movies: I love movies!

Memoirs: I love funny memoirs!

Smart people: I love smart people!

Puppies: Puppies! Woof!

Massages: Mmm Massages!

Short Blog Posts?

Don't worry I am working on a good one..

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Atheism 101

Hi fundamental Christians!! I'm so glad you found my blog! I'm what you would call an atheist. In case your pastor hasn't yet told you what that is, let me explain.

Atheists believe in God, they just hate him because they are liberal and worship Satan.

Atheists have pretty much no morals and enjoy raping and killing people & animals.

Atheists like to worship Charles Darwin as their God. They think evolution is the solution to everything.

The only thing that makes people atheists is evolution. If it weren't for evolution, we would believe in a fairytale God.

Atheists love Satan a lot and do his bidding.

Atheists really just want to be converted and then they want to tithe extra to the church to make up for lost time.

Atheist are possessed by demons.

Atheists are indoctrinated with false information at secular universities run by Marxists.

Atheists are communists and love Hitler and Stalin.

Atheists think that people are monkeys. We also think that monkeys are only a few generations removed from fish on the evolutionary scale.

That's pretty much it.

Thanks for stopping by!

Saturday, November 8, 2008


Step 1: blog about nothing
Step 2: Add advertising to blog
Step 3: ??????
Step 4: Profit!!!

Whaa?? a blog?

Hey everyone,

If anyone cares, I am sorry I haven't updated as much this week . It seems that I started blogging just as my life was sinking into a heavy handed and deep-seated unhappiness/depression. It wasn't on purpose. I do seem to have lost all passion for life as of late.

I am a terrible boyfriend. My loving girlfriend is constantly upset with me and my apathetic ways and I can't really blame her. I'd be upset with me too. I always cancel on her or leave unexpectedly just to go home and mope.

I am a bad student. I haven't done a piece of math homework in weeks and last week I left my book in class. I only halfway finish most of my projects.

I am a bad blogger. You'd think with all the nothing I get done I'd at least be on here blogging about my own lack of results. But I'm not. I just lie in bed watching the time pass.

I'm a bad human. I don't donate to charitable causes, I don't help people out really. Sometimes I volunteer as a tutor but I don't always show up.

The thing is; none of this stuff bothers me. I mean, it does to a certain extent but I mostly just laugh it off. It is all one big joke for me. I mosey along through life wondering if everyone is serious. I feel like one day at some climactic moment everyone will let out a "just kidding" and show me that things weren't how I perceived them. But until then I am stuck wondering if this can truly be reality. If so, I am baffled. Is that unhealthy? I am completely lost. But me and Obama have one thing in common: hope. The only thing that gives me hope is that maybe I am not alone. Sometimes I come across someone who sees the ridiculousness of it all. And then I feel reenergized.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Happiness & Me

I am at a loss for words. Here is the thing; I don't want to be depressed. I'm not a wallower. And yet I tried, I tried so fucking hard to buy-in. To everything. But it's a lot of work. And me, I'm just not cut out for work. I like to sit around and think. But thinking does not bring success. And success brings happiness. So it's no wonder the great thinkers of the world were so unhappy.

Am I one of the great thinkers of the world? A lot of the time I think: Yes. I am. And I say Fuck being humble. I may be unhappy but I know where my strengths lie. It seems 98% of the people I meet are dumber than me. Most have no excuse. Books; they were made to be read.

This post was edited because I felt it could be written better, I like to go back and change things