Cliffs of Rye

There was no one to catch me when I was at the edge of the cliffs of rye. Maybe they were there but they chose not to. At this point it doesn’t really matter does it? I fell. No. I jumped. I wanted to see what was at the bottom. But the more I see, the less I want to know. The bible says “it is to those who are childlike that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs." What I wouldn’t give to be a child again. But I always felt my childhood was a joke, I knew somewhere that it wasn’t real and it propelled me to seek out the world of reason. Yet here I am and it’s a shithole. We spend lifetimes waiting for moments that in the end were as fleeting as every minute that came in between

“You’ll be free child once you have died, from the shackles of language and measurable time” And I believe Conor Oberst when he sings that. Its how I understand this journey towards the end. Freedom. I used to not believe in fashion, I called it a lie. I believed it was too crude of an art form to capture any essence of humanity. But I realize now that all forms of art are too crude. We are shackled by language and these squiggles can’t accurately represent emotions either. My writing is as crude as the fashionistas’ designs, cruder perhaps. And our symbolic interactions will never be as deep or profound as we want them to be. So we settle, or we refuse to settle and then after we realize we have no choice, we settle.

I don’t love philosophy anymore. Maybe I caught up with Max Bemis. I could never understand his lines until I felt them. “God and Death are none of my concern, I’m no philosopher” he sings. And now I agree with him. I used to argue for atheism. And when my cousin said he had converted from that and had fallen into the never-ending hole of agnosticism I thought I would never be there. But here I am. No, apatheism right? That’s what I call it. Because I don’t care. Sometimes I do. The truth is I don’t want to know. The thought of never ending life scares the shit out of me. Just give me a few good years; that’s all I want. And my Jehovah’s Witness friend shows me Ecclesiastes 9:5 and it says “But the dead do not know anything” And he asks me “Where is the hope?” and I say right there. I don’t care if there’s a heaven for the people who want that but I am hoping there’s no hell. Maybe prose doesn’t do it. Maybe just mine doesn’t. I envy Voltaire but he is as pessimistic as me I think. Maybe I do love philosophy, just not it’s results. I don’t even know if I want answers.

Alcohol and Cotton Balls

A story for whoever wants to read it:

Julian Ford sat back on a low hill overlooking almost all of North Carolina. Because although it was a hill, it was seated atop a mountain. The hill was grassy and soft. He looked at the state and then looked down at a bottle of scotch he had brought to drink. Because he was there and there was no one else around to drink it with, he drank it alone. When he was done drinking it he looked around him and still saw no one. So he fell asleep.

Love, Love, Love

I have decided that I have been writing too negatively lately. Things I wouldn't even post on here because as for right now there is no need for negativity. Don't we all love at least something? Lets end the hate..

Here are some things I love:

Food: I love food!

Warmth: I love warmth!

Sleep: I love sleeping!

Movies: I love movies!

Memoirs: I love funny memoirs!

Smart people: I love smart people!

Puppies: Puppies! Woof!

Massages: Mmm Massages!

Short Blog Posts?


Don't worry I am working on a good one..

Atheism 101

Hi fundamental Christians!! I'm so glad you found my blog! I'm what you would call an atheist. In case your pastor hasn't yet told you what that is, let me explain.

Atheists believe in God, they just hate him because they are liberal and worship Satan.

Atheists have pretty much no morals and enjoy raping and killing people & animals.

Atheists like to worship Charles Darwin as their God. They think evolution is the solution to everything.

The only thing that makes people atheists is evolution. If it weren't for evolution, we would believe in a fairytale God.

Atheists love Satan a lot and do his bidding.

Atheists really just want to be converted and then they want to tithe extra to the church to make up for lost time.

Atheist are possessed by demons.

Atheists are indoctrinated with false information at secular universities run by Marxists.

Atheists are communists and love Hitler and Stalin.

Atheists think that people are monkeys. We also think that monkeys are only a few generations removed from fish on the evolutionary scale.

That's pretty much it.

Thanks for stopping by!

Capitalism

Step 1: blog about nothing
Step 2: Add advertising to blog
Step 3: ??????
Step 4: Profit!!!

Whaa?? a blog?

Hey everyone,

If anyone cares, I am sorry I haven't updated as much this week . It seems that I started blogging just as my life was sinking into a heavy handed and deep-seated unhappiness/depression. It wasn't on purpose. I do seem to have lost all passion for life as of late.

I am a terrible boyfriend. My loving girlfriend is constantly upset with me and my apathetic ways and I can't really blame her. I'd be upset with me too. I always cancel on her or leave unexpectedly just to go home and mope.

I am a bad student. I haven't done a piece of math homework in weeks and last week I left my book in class. I only halfway finish most of my projects.

I am a bad blogger. You'd think with all the nothing I get done I'd at least be on here blogging about my own lack of results. But I'm not. I just lie in bed watching the time pass.

I'm a bad human. I don't donate to charitable causes, I don't help people out really. Sometimes I volunteer as a tutor but I don't always show up.

The thing is; none of this stuff bothers me. I mean, it does to a certain extent but I mostly just laugh it off. It is all one big joke for me. I mosey along through life wondering if everyone is serious. I feel like one day at some climactic moment everyone will let out a "just kidding" and show me that things weren't how I perceived them. But until then I am stuck wondering if this can truly be reality. If so, I am baffled. Is that unhealthy? I am completely lost. But me and Obama have one thing in common: hope. The only thing that gives me hope is that maybe I am not alone. Sometimes I come across someone who sees the ridiculousness of it all. And then I feel reenergized.

Happiness & Me

I am at a loss for words. Here is the thing; I don't want to be depressed. I'm not a wallower. And yet I tried, I tried so fucking hard to buy-in. To everything. But it's a lot of work. And me, I'm just not cut out for work. I like to sit around and think. But thinking does not bring success. And success brings happiness. So it's no wonder the great thinkers of the world were so unhappy.

Am I one of the great thinkers of the world? A lot of the time I think: Yes. I am. And I say Fuck being humble. I may be unhappy but I know where my strengths lie. It seems 98% of the people I meet are dumber than me. Most have no excuse. Books; they were made to be read.

This post was edited because I felt it could be written better, I like to go back and change things

It's Official: You Can't Win

But most people already know that. The only consolation in this forsaken world is that you can watch some people eat shit harder than you do.

Case in point: Halloween night. Random note: I always preferred when it was misspelled Holloween, its a nicer looking spelling End random note. So me and some friends were sitting around for hours (literally hours) trying to think of something to do. Oh by the way:

I hate halloween. I haven't always hated halloween, when I was a kid I loved it. But slowly, over the years it has lost all of its appeal. That started in middle school. Usually, people gradute from trick or treating to tricking. But I was never into the shenanigans middle-schoolers liked to pull. I was never an egger or TP'er so I couldn't enjoy halloween as much as everyone else.

Third digression: that's actually been the story of my life. I am always the one who enjoys things less than the people around me. It doesn't matter what it is or how fun it is. With the exception of movies (I enjoy those more than anyone whether they be bad or not), I enjoy life less than those around me. I always feel a slight disconnect from the situation that I feel they don't. I am like Bernard Marx in the Brave New World, the only unsatisfied one in world of satisfied, happy people.

So Halloween. We decided that the only worthwhile thing to do was go to Chipotle and get the free burrito. I insisted on paying because I didn't want to support halloween. We ran into my best friend's love interest who proceded to shoot him down in the worst way (see: other people's misery being the only consolation for your own). I mean she took him to town. Not in an open way, it was unbelievably subtle, but that just made it worse. Then having had my spirits lifted, I agreed to don the tin foil hat for a free burrito. My friend got drunk and I drove him home.

10,000 spoons when I need a knife

What is it to bare our soul? Does it mean confronting our own fears? For so long I believed that self-honesty was the key to life. If I could be honest with myself about my shortcomings, about my faults, then I would be able to relax. Because there would never be any realizations that took me by surprise. I would never wake up in that alley. But maybe the realization I'm heading towards is that there is no solution. Maybe there is no hope. But maybe there is.

A girl asked me today if I could tell her about Spain. I went to Spain to study this summer. So what do I have to say about it? Maybe anytime you don't have to worry about anything you will have a magical time. But at the time I was discovering a love affair with cigarettes that helped me write. I had my first cigarette in months today. It wasn't as good as I remembered. All I could say to her was that I felt free. That although I always figured my priorities to start with conquering myself in the homeland, my time in Spain was happy. But I couldn't say if that was because of me or the country.

Why do we ramble? Is rambling just a cop out for me? Because I can form ideas I just know it. And yet, I cop out. I scribble this shit and call it art and hope someone will love me. I do so knowing full-well that everyone wants to be adored, respected, admired, hell even noticed. So do I deserve that? When other people put more effort and more heart into their writing, into their songs and lives than I do. They say my generation feels entitled and I do. But am I wrong? As humans are we not entitled to some admiration. I put in more effort than most but less than some. Where is the cut-off?

Somebody tell me...

I wish someone would tell me how much I have to write to cleanse my soul.

Maybe its forever.

I miss everything and I am utterly alone in more ways than one.

But sometimes I feel consolation. Because there is always solace to be found somewhere.

Thanks for the line Alanis, It IS ironic. Oh wait, it's not, it just sucks.

Open Your Golden Gates

Why can't I find some good conversation? I've tried almost everything. The strictly platonic craigslist board? No help at all. I'm just desperate for someone who can carry a thread.

It makes me wonder if I'm alone. The only thoughts I've heard/read similar to mine have been on other blogs. Has the intellectual died? I mean come on! I am in the San Francisco Bay Area. Isn't this supposed to be the intellectual capital of the western united states?

I hope it's not. Note to prospective residents: Don't come here looking for intelligent discourse. You will just have crap thrown in your face all day long by the San Francisco pseudo-intellectuals. I am in utter shock by the lack of rationality here. Remember that South Park episode where Kyle's parents move to San Francisco and the neighbors keep sniffing their own farts? It was surprisingly accurate.

Yes we have a higher ratio of Pri'i to people than most other cities. And there happen to be a lot of capital D Democrats. In fact there is even a member of the Green party on the board of supervisors! But if you have ever visited SF you've probably noticed most conversations are just a battle of who can be more hip and liberal. They go as follows:

Pseudo-intellectual fashionista: Hi I'm Aubreyeh Lee Smith-Johnasson-Africa

Pseudo-intellectual # 2: Wow thats so liberal that your parents hyphened their last names!

Pseudo-intellectual: Yeah well they are like, you know, like totally progressive..

Pseudo-intellectual # 2: So I work for a non-profit that helps dying toucans in the congo

Pseudo-intellectual #3 (fashionista): That's like so rad! Animals are like so much more important than humans. I don't wear fur.

Pseudo-intellectual # 2: Totally, like, I think humans are so, like, bad. Haha like Bush haha... He is like so dumb.

Pseudo-intellectual: Thats like.. why I'm like voting for Obama

Pseudo-intellectual # 2: Ew..I'm writing in Karl Marx

Pseudo intellectual # 4: OMG are you guys talking about politics? How can you vote for Marx? he isn't socialist enough...

etc etc etc.... (I could go on and on and on)


"Forever competeing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory, in which you hog the intellectual spotlight, holding dominion over the entire shallow, pointless conversation. Oh we're not worthy!"

- Say Anything: Admit It

I am so tired folks...

I had a bad week..

No clever titles here folks, I hate to say I'm burned out. On a positive note I saw my old music-business professor who remembered me as a good songwriter. : )

But enough about me. Let's talk about musicians. Old musicians.

If you're a guitar player you've no doubt come across older guitar players who have just got it all figured out. You know those guys in the clubs who say "yeah man you're pretty good but you gotta play more blues.." Those guys who are a dime a dozen? So there is a certain [old] guitarist I have been around for the past few months and because he's made a living playing guitar he feels the need to proselytize his musical opinions on everyone. In short:

No one wants to hear your original songs, they are a waste of time:

Play more blues:

Knowing jokes is more important than being good if you want to be successful:

Old music = good, new music = shit:

So I possibly agree on the third one. But this guy is just killing me. Just because no one ever wanted to hear his original songs doesn't mean that people don't want to hear others'. Newsflash: Every song is an original song. And songs for most people don't originate as a way to get work, they originate as an outlet of the soul. People write songs because their hearts/sould command them to. This is something that professional "guitarists" like him might not understand.

Anyways regarding the old music, I called his bluff (or whatever you want to call it) and bought some of the [old/outdated] albums he raves about. They weren't the worst thing I've ever heard. But they sure don't live up to today's standards. I hope I'm never stuck in the past. Not that there isn't good old music, who doesn't love Bob Dylan, Hendrix, or Roy Orbison? But there's a reason most bands from the past fade into obscurity.


Peace & Love

I'm not done yet

I hate the way everything ends. The way the chaos melts away into dullness. I hate the denouement and how necessary it seems. Because these people's lives we read about always settle down. And in a way it is sort of like defeat. And if there isn't one? Everyone sees those hippies in Berkeley who are stuck in the past. So what do we do? Embrace it?

In other news I tried out the G1 phone from T-Mobile. It is a pretty good phone but lacks totally in the media dept. Hopefully the linux crowd gets a whiff and takes android to new heights.

So here's my comparison of some smartphones and their best features:

Blackberry: Blackberry has this awesome feature where you can be working even when you are at home or on vacation and you can try to read emails on a tiny screen because they might be important.

G1: The g1 has a product scanner that you use on the barcode of a product to see where else it is for sale in the area. You can also get product reviews on that product. Then Google will send you targeted advertising.

iPhone: The iPhone has this great feature where you can be a snot-nosed douche-bag and compare everyone else's phone and computer to your own. You are also automatically in the applefanboy club which means instant friends if you go to a new city and don't know anyone.

Nokia 9300: If you own the 9300 and you are building a house and are short one brick, you can use your phone as a brick.


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Sheer Stupidity

It just kills doesn't it?

In other news, if things don't go the way I plan in my life it WAS for lack of trying.

I'm fucking aggravated.

There are so many compelling options, all of which involve the metaphorical middle-finger.

I digress and that is my point.

Peace and love and love and love, or so one would hope.

Hope is a funny word. Usually it implies being fucked with no recourse. So you count on fate or luck to fight the battles you can't.

Right? Right?

5 lessons from the collapse

If there's 5 things you should learn from the collapse of the housing market and the subsequent turmoil on Wall St., here they are:

1: Every bubble bursts. Just because its been prolonged for thirty years doesn't mean it won't burst. If you want to see some bubbles in the process of being formed, go check out whats happening on the COMEX or wait until money comes back into the stock market. Any stock with the word solar or wind in it will shoot up. Later on, Wall St. will realize these companies don't do shit, aren't making any money, and are in terrible debt. There will be a massive sell-off leaving only the good companies at "fire-sale" prices. Speaking of Wall St.;

2: Wall St. traders are for the most part dumb as shit. Why the fuck else would high-cap stocks with NO DIVIDEND trade at 30X book value? Because Wall St. refuses to trade on the intrinsic value of ownership of stocks. Instead they trade based on their emotions and the alignment of the stars at the moment.

3: If you go into debt to buy something, you should be damn sure you actually want it. Consumer goes into extreme debt to buy house (0% down subprime loan at 10% interest), ibanks are leveraged 30:1 to buy securites based on those mortgages. Demand levels off, prices go down, borrowers default on all levels and all that leverage comes back to bite everyone in the ass. Are we still discussing how this crash happened?

4: The government is owned by the rich and powerful. If you aren't in that club you're basically fucked government-wise. Remember all those people asking "Where's my bailout?" Well it still hasn't showed up. And no, Barack Obama won't solve your problems. He's not in Washington to help you out. If you had read The Audacity of Hope, you would have read that Obama mostly hangs out with investment bankers. Have you seen any of them asking "Where's my bailout?" No. Because they know where it is.

5: Don't buy houses in shitty places like Stockton. Just because its a huge fucking house doesn't make Stockton any less shitty. (Sorry for dissing your city if there are any of you left with a house there)

Goddamn piece of %$# stock market

There is a saying among conspiracy theorists and Austrian economists that goes as follows : "Play Wall St. like a ponzi scheme." Unfortunately, I don't know how to play ponzi schemes as they are hard to call. I've sold off most of my long positions and bought the DXD. Lets hope this crash continues.

Anderson Cooper named "you the consumer" his tenth culprit of the collapse. I thought that was bold, but not entirely untrue.

What is the deal with stocks anyways? They are always so overvalued.

workin' for "the man"

Note to self (and everyone else). If you have to participate in an event for which you have to write something, consider ALL the people who will attend. I was honored in an event yesterday in which a self-written short bio about me had to be read. In that bio I had written a few disparaging things about "the man" and how excited I was to end up working for him followed up by some comments on my love for money. It was written as a humour piece but soon after arriving I realized the audience wasn't going to be as receptive as I'd imagined. It turned out that the keynote speaker was a well known I-banker and there were several other "prominent" people in attendance. But afterwards we talked at the meet & greet and he told me that working for "the man" is great. He was serious but that leaves me questioning whether the humor was lost on him.

Atheist Blogroll

Hey everyone,

I've been added to the atheist blogroll, a cool compilation of atheist blogs for you to browse through. Thanks a bunch to Mojoey. When I figue out how to add the blogroll you will see it over to the right.

First List

I'd hate to be a political blogger. But don't vote for one of the two parties. They are both corrupt, controlled by the same folks, and there to serve the interest of the same people (not you by the way). That being said, here is a list of the top 5 acceptable people to vote for (write-in).

5. Michael Savage - Michael Savage is a total asshole and I disagree with many of his main platforms and sometimes hateful speech. But he'd probably make a good president. He's too self righteous to be bought out.

4. Dennis Kucinich - Dennis Kucinich is the only member of congress who made a solid effort to impeach. 'Nuff said. He might tax you more, but he will keep government transparent. Oh yeah and civil liberties? He'd protect those.

3. Ron Paul - Ron Paul is one of the few respectable men left in congress who can has hold his own in a discussion and who understands the fundamental problems in America. He's a politician but not a crook. And like Kucinich, he cares about your civil liberties.

2. Me!!! Woo!! - I am your favorite atheist blogger. I would do a great job as president.

1. Adam Carolla (w/VP Dr. Drew) - Adam Carolla may just be the smartest man in America. From addressing the always overlooked issue of teen pregnancy to telling the Hatfields and the McCoys (read: right wing bible thumpers and ACLU douchebags) to shut the fuck up and get along, he could take us in a great direction. And his violent temper would always be kept in check by the soft-spoken and intelligent Dr. Drew.




Speaking of Adam Carolla, Striker is the worst goddamn radio host on the airwaves

The Beat Goes On

First it was elementary school.

Verdict: Useful

Then middle school.

Verdict: Shitty

Then High School:

Verdict: Kill me now

And now here I am, I guess you could say in my "college years" and how does it feel...

Well sociology is a bullshit major but it was my favorite class. I loved every second of that class and I miss it nowadays. I feel like I learned a lot that year. Psychology was great. Philosophy was amazing. The music I studied was ok but a little too formulaic. I don't know. I used to love learning more. I've just been in the same situation for so long now that I find it hard to concentrate. There's only so much soul searching a person can do before they need to take a break. I am at that break-point. If learning is a life long journey then I am stopping at a hotel to rest and recharge. At this point I've gravitated towards the less souly, more quantitative subjects and its a nice break from all that thinking. Realizing abstract relationships is easier than confronting relevant ones. I'm burned out. I'm jaded. Wow look at how unique that is... So what do I do? I'm too tired to pursue hedonistic desires, I don't even care enough. And the pleasures of the mind, the intellectual pleasures, they are lost on me for the time being. I just want sleep. I can never fall asleep fast enough. I lay in bed trying to clear my mind but I just end up reflecting on my day. My strategy has been to wait it out. But I could be wrong. I could always be wrong. I've exhausted my supply of enthusiasm in the past 2 years and now I'm paying the price.

How to Lose Traffic and Alienate Readers

Sorry SF Litquake, Toby Young is more talented than Dave Eggers. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius is not as good as How To Lose Friends and Alienate People.

But why do I say that? I say that because the most difficult thing to do as writer is come to terms with yourself. And although you could say that Eggers is just as introspective, he hides behind a shield of "heart" that Toby Young is unafraid to strip away.

It kills me when writers or artists refuse to acknowledge their own selling out. And Eggers definitely HAS sold out. When they try to hide the glee which comes from success. At least acknowledge that you love it. That you want to capitalize. Recognize your own greed instead of trying to distance yourself from your own emotions as if to say "I am NOT smug, just reflective."
Eggers hs done great things with his success and that makes him the better person for it. But purity suffers when you agree to a buy-out. Toby Young is still alienating people.