10,000 spoons when I need a knife

What is it to bare our soul? Does it mean confronting our own fears? For so long I believed that self-honesty was the key to life. If I could be honest with myself about my shortcomings, about my faults, then I would be able to relax. Because there would never be any realizations that took me by surprise. I would never wake up in that alley. But maybe the realization I'm heading towards is that there is no solution. Maybe there is no hope. But maybe there is.

A girl asked me today if I could tell her about Spain. I went to Spain to study this summer. So what do I have to say about it? Maybe anytime you don't have to worry about anything you will have a magical time. But at the time I was discovering a love affair with cigarettes that helped me write. I had my first cigarette in months today. It wasn't as good as I remembered. All I could say to her was that I felt free. That although I always figured my priorities to start with conquering myself in the homeland, my time in Spain was happy. But I couldn't say if that was because of me or the country.

Why do we ramble? Is rambling just a cop out for me? Because I can form ideas I just know it. And yet, I cop out. I scribble this shit and call it art and hope someone will love me. I do so knowing full-well that everyone wants to be adored, respected, admired, hell even noticed. So do I deserve that? When other people put more effort and more heart into their writing, into their songs and lives than I do. They say my generation feels entitled and I do. But am I wrong? As humans are we not entitled to some admiration. I put in more effort than most but less than some. Where is the cut-off?

Somebody tell me...

I wish someone would tell me how much I have to write to cleanse my soul.

Maybe its forever.

I miss everything and I am utterly alone in more ways than one.

But sometimes I feel consolation. Because there is always solace to be found somewhere.

Thanks for the line Alanis, It IS ironic. Oh wait, it's not, it just sucks.

Open Your Golden Gates

Why can't I find some good conversation? I've tried almost everything. The strictly platonic craigslist board? No help at all. I'm just desperate for someone who can carry a thread.

It makes me wonder if I'm alone. The only thoughts I've heard/read similar to mine have been on other blogs. Has the intellectual died? I mean come on! I am in the San Francisco Bay Area. Isn't this supposed to be the intellectual capital of the western united states?

I hope it's not. Note to prospective residents: Don't come here looking for intelligent discourse. You will just have crap thrown in your face all day long by the San Francisco pseudo-intellectuals. I am in utter shock by the lack of rationality here. Remember that South Park episode where Kyle's parents move to San Francisco and the neighbors keep sniffing their own farts? It was surprisingly accurate.

Yes we have a higher ratio of Pri'i to people than most other cities. And there happen to be a lot of capital D Democrats. In fact there is even a member of the Green party on the board of supervisors! But if you have ever visited SF you've probably noticed most conversations are just a battle of who can be more hip and liberal. They go as follows:

Pseudo-intellectual fashionista: Hi I'm Aubreyeh Lee Smith-Johnasson-Africa

Pseudo-intellectual # 2: Wow thats so liberal that your parents hyphened their last names!

Pseudo-intellectual: Yeah well they are like, you know, like totally progressive..

Pseudo-intellectual # 2: So I work for a non-profit that helps dying toucans in the congo

Pseudo-intellectual #3 (fashionista): That's like so rad! Animals are like so much more important than humans. I don't wear fur.

Pseudo-intellectual # 2: Totally, like, I think humans are so, like, bad. Haha like Bush haha... He is like so dumb.

Pseudo-intellectual: Thats like.. why I'm like voting for Obama

Pseudo-intellectual # 2: Ew..I'm writing in Karl Marx

Pseudo intellectual # 4: OMG are you guys talking about politics? How can you vote for Marx? he isn't socialist enough...

etc etc etc.... (I could go on and on and on)


"Forever competeing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory, in which you hog the intellectual spotlight, holding dominion over the entire shallow, pointless conversation. Oh we're not worthy!"

- Say Anything: Admit It

I am so tired folks...

I had a bad week..

No clever titles here folks, I hate to say I'm burned out. On a positive note I saw my old music-business professor who remembered me as a good songwriter. : )

But enough about me. Let's talk about musicians. Old musicians.

If you're a guitar player you've no doubt come across older guitar players who have just got it all figured out. You know those guys in the clubs who say "yeah man you're pretty good but you gotta play more blues.." Those guys who are a dime a dozen? So there is a certain [old] guitarist I have been around for the past few months and because he's made a living playing guitar he feels the need to proselytize his musical opinions on everyone. In short:

No one wants to hear your original songs, they are a waste of time:

Play more blues:

Knowing jokes is more important than being good if you want to be successful:

Old music = good, new music = shit:

So I possibly agree on the third one. But this guy is just killing me. Just because no one ever wanted to hear his original songs doesn't mean that people don't want to hear others'. Newsflash: Every song is an original song. And songs for most people don't originate as a way to get work, they originate as an outlet of the soul. People write songs because their hearts/sould command them to. This is something that professional "guitarists" like him might not understand.

Anyways regarding the old music, I called his bluff (or whatever you want to call it) and bought some of the [old/outdated] albums he raves about. They weren't the worst thing I've ever heard. But they sure don't live up to today's standards. I hope I'm never stuck in the past. Not that there isn't good old music, who doesn't love Bob Dylan, Hendrix, or Roy Orbison? But there's a reason most bands from the past fade into obscurity.


Peace & Love

I'm not done yet

I hate the way everything ends. The way the chaos melts away into dullness. I hate the denouement and how necessary it seems. Because these people's lives we read about always settle down. And in a way it is sort of like defeat. And if there isn't one? Everyone sees those hippies in Berkeley who are stuck in the past. So what do we do? Embrace it?

In other news I tried out the G1 phone from T-Mobile. It is a pretty good phone but lacks totally in the media dept. Hopefully the linux crowd gets a whiff and takes android to new heights.

So here's my comparison of some smartphones and their best features:

Blackberry: Blackberry has this awesome feature where you can be working even when you are at home or on vacation and you can try to read emails on a tiny screen because they might be important.

G1: The g1 has a product scanner that you use on the barcode of a product to see where else it is for sale in the area. You can also get product reviews on that product. Then Google will send you targeted advertising.

iPhone: The iPhone has this great feature where you can be a snot-nosed douche-bag and compare everyone else's phone and computer to your own. You are also automatically in the applefanboy club which means instant friends if you go to a new city and don't know anyone.

Nokia 9300: If you own the 9300 and you are building a house and are short one brick, you can use your phone as a brick.


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Sheer Stupidity

It just kills doesn't it?

In other news, if things don't go the way I plan in my life it WAS for lack of trying.

I'm fucking aggravated.

There are so many compelling options, all of which involve the metaphorical middle-finger.

I digress and that is my point.

Peace and love and love and love, or so one would hope.

Hope is a funny word. Usually it implies being fucked with no recourse. So you count on fate or luck to fight the battles you can't.

Right? Right?

5 lessons from the collapse

If there's 5 things you should learn from the collapse of the housing market and the subsequent turmoil on Wall St., here they are:

1: Every bubble bursts. Just because its been prolonged for thirty years doesn't mean it won't burst. If you want to see some bubbles in the process of being formed, go check out whats happening on the COMEX or wait until money comes back into the stock market. Any stock with the word solar or wind in it will shoot up. Later on, Wall St. will realize these companies don't do shit, aren't making any money, and are in terrible debt. There will be a massive sell-off leaving only the good companies at "fire-sale" prices. Speaking of Wall St.;

2: Wall St. traders are for the most part dumb as shit. Why the fuck else would high-cap stocks with NO DIVIDEND trade at 30X book value? Because Wall St. refuses to trade on the intrinsic value of ownership of stocks. Instead they trade based on their emotions and the alignment of the stars at the moment.

3: If you go into debt to buy something, you should be damn sure you actually want it. Consumer goes into extreme debt to buy house (0% down subprime loan at 10% interest), ibanks are leveraged 30:1 to buy securites based on those mortgages. Demand levels off, prices go down, borrowers default on all levels and all that leverage comes back to bite everyone in the ass. Are we still discussing how this crash happened?

4: The government is owned by the rich and powerful. If you aren't in that club you're basically fucked government-wise. Remember all those people asking "Where's my bailout?" Well it still hasn't showed up. And no, Barack Obama won't solve your problems. He's not in Washington to help you out. If you had read The Audacity of Hope, you would have read that Obama mostly hangs out with investment bankers. Have you seen any of them asking "Where's my bailout?" No. Because they know where it is.

5: Don't buy houses in shitty places like Stockton. Just because its a huge fucking house doesn't make Stockton any less shitty. (Sorry for dissing your city if there are any of you left with a house there)

Goddamn piece of %$# stock market

There is a saying among conspiracy theorists and Austrian economists that goes as follows : "Play Wall St. like a ponzi scheme." Unfortunately, I don't know how to play ponzi schemes as they are hard to call. I've sold off most of my long positions and bought the DXD. Lets hope this crash continues.

Anderson Cooper named "you the consumer" his tenth culprit of the collapse. I thought that was bold, but not entirely untrue.

What is the deal with stocks anyways? They are always so overvalued.